The last time I posted was January 23rd???? Holy moses! Weeeeelllll that is just ridiculous. I guess its mainly because, I am verbally lazy as of late. I honestly feel like it takes too much energy to put my feeling down on this blog. And I don't quite know why, well, yes I do, I have been having some pretty intense feelings lately, and generally yoga brings them right up to the surface, and when they are there I have a hard time ignoring them. I have cried in almost every single yoga class I have been too since I started going back. At first I thought it was hormonal, but it's so much more than that. I am not happy. There, its out there, I can't un-say it, I can't un-know it and from now on its just a matter of what I going to do about it. I feel like the past 6 years or so I have been doing things on auto-pilot. Get engaged, get married, have a baby, go back to work, advance at work, have another baby, go back to job, dis-like job, take promotion, resent promotion, needing a release, abusing my body because of it, downward spiral, downward spiral, negative thoughts, avoiding the yoga room, avoiding people in my life who know that that's not how I am. Repeat.
I need to get to the root of this issue and I need to deal with it. I am sure that some of it is compounded by stress, and hormones and never having enough money, and wanting to be more successful, etc. But I feel stifled. I am carefully ignoring everything in my body thats screaming at me to change something, and worst of all I am lying right to my best friends face. I am saying I am happy. I am saying things are fine. Things aren't fine. Things are, un-fine. The worst part is, I don't even know what to do to make me happy. How can I make some one else happy, if I am not. I want to be selfish. And I want it to be ok.