WTH?!?

The last time I posted was January 23rd???? Holy moses! Weeeeelllll that is just ridiculous. I guess its mainly because, I am verbally lazy as of late. I honestly feel like it takes too much energy to put my feeling down on this blog. And I don't quite know why, well, yes I do, I have been having some pretty intense feelings lately, and generally yoga brings them right up to the surface, and when they are there I have a hard time ignoring them. I have cried in almost every single yoga class I have been too since I started going back. At first I thought it was hormonal, but it's so much more than that. I am not happy. There, its out there, I can't un-say it, I can't un-know it and from now on its just a matter of what I going to do about it. I feel like the past 6 years or so I have been doing things on auto-pilot. Get engaged, get married, have a baby, go back to work, advance at work, have another baby, go back to job, dis-like job, take promotion, resent promotion, needing a release, abusing my body because of it, downward spiral, downward spiral, negative thoughts, avoiding the yoga room, avoiding people in my life who know that that's not how I am. Repeat.
I need to get to the root of this issue and I need to deal with it. I am sure that some of it is compounded by stress, and hormones and never having enough money, and wanting to be more successful, etc. But I feel stifled. I am carefully ignoring everything in my body thats screaming at me to change something, and worst of all I am lying right to my best friends face. I am saying I am happy. I am saying things are fine. Things aren't fine. Things are, un-fine. The worst part is, I don't even know what to do to make me happy. How can I make some one else happy, if I am not. I want to be selfish. And I want it to be ok.

I have the Blahhs....

 I have the writing blahhhhhs. I have had a numerous mix of emotions in class these days, and I feel like it exhausts me. Not the class, the thought of writing about it, which is weird, because normally I love writing. Last week, I was having a tough week emotionally, I was fighting with my husband, I was worried about the business, I was hating my job, etc. etc. When I came out of my camel posture, I started to cry, it was very intense, and that kind of emotional response has never happened for me. But I welcomed it. I thought of it as a blessing, really. How lucky I am to have an outlet like that. I can take everything that comes up for me in class and I can leave it on the mat. And I did. I came out of there feeling ten times lighter. It felt good. Just talking about it now makes me wish I was there. I haven't been able to go since weds. of last week.
Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough. When I am rich, I am building my own studio and I am going to hire an instructor to live there and teach me yoga whenever I want!!! :)
Namaste

Picture yourself in Perfect Radiant Health

A phrase which my dear friend and Bikram instructor, Allie, says often at the end of class, I guess I never really heard her before, I mean, I heard her, I just never really HEARD her. Its amazing what a mental shift will change in your body. I had been picturing myself lying there, in my final rest ( savasana, not death ) In perfect physical health, perfectly aesthetic, picture perfect looking. I realized the other day, that the health that I want is inner. Peaceful mind, peaceful organs, the rest will come after those things are developed. Little tiny things have been changing in my practice lately. I injured my back somehow last Weds. Blame it on lifting, or bending or tweaking or what have you, it was excruciating, I was almost in tears, I had the same sciatic pain when I was pregnant this last time. I thought of going to yoga on Weds evening, and if it hadn't been for the terrible fear I had of sitting in the car for that long with this pain, I would have. Instead, I opted to stay home and sit on the couch, and then, go to work the next day. All of those ideas were bad. By the time I got back to Bikram on Fri. morning, I was thoroughly convince that I was going to die on the first back bend.
But alas, I did not die.
In fact, aside form my opposite side shoulder being tighter than I would have ever imagined, my injury gave me little grief.
I LOVE YOGA
I LOVE YOGA
I LOVE YOGA
SERIOUSLY.
I felt so much better after class, I kicked myself for not going back on Weds eve, I would have saved myself 48 hrs of agony.
Today, I noticed little things that were changing in my postures, teeny tiny, seemingly insignificant things, I put less weight in my hands in standing head to knee, my knee came closer to my shoulder in wind removing pose, I grabbed way higher on my forearms in the last part of wind removing, tiny little things that seem small but made me so happy.
So from now on, I am picturing my inner physical body in perfect, radiant, flowing smoothly health. I will let the rest follow in the footsteps. The outer looks will be as the hands are in tree pose, just the icing on the cake. Let this philosophy spill over into all other aspects of your life, picture you life in perfect health, your kids, your job, your loved ones, anything you want is attainable, if you can imagine it, you can do it. Look for it, then your body will follow.
Namaste.

Bikram/Addiction

When i first started this practice a few years ago, I had made a New Years resolution to stop smoking, the yoga not only replaced my addiction to nicotine, but it also helped my body detoxify at a quicker pace which made it easier to kick the habit. So I started to think, what a great way to treat addiction. Imagine if there were a state funded Bikram studio for people battling with drug and alcohol addiction....
Hmmmm.....
I may put my mothers grant writing ability to good use here, if only I could find a rich philanthropist to send me to teacher training....
I sense a project coming on.
Namaste

Goodbye 2011.

Saying goodbye to 2011. I can't believe another year has come and gone, my daughter is going to be 1, my son will turn 5, my stepdaughter is going to be 8, and this year I will turn the big 3-0. Shhhh, don't tell anyone.
If theres one thing I learned from this past year, its that I need to stop saying "I can't believe my daughters almost one" "I can't believe how fast time is going" etc. etc. etc. I really need to learn to be present. It seems the more I say those kinds of things, the faster everything goes. I feel like I missed the last year almost because I was so wrapped up in how it was passing me by.
Be present in life. Be present in your relationships. Be present as a parent. Be present in your yoga.
Namaste

Sometimes Yogi's wear pants.

So, my challenge within a challenge. I recently signed up for the 60 day challenge at the BYC. Thats 60 Classes in 60 days, either one a day or doubles or what have you. MY personal challenge, besides 60 classes, is to purposely position myself around people who I might find distracting, and see if I can stay focused. I am all about pushing myself. Today, there was someone wearing PANTS. Not just pants. BUT LIKE CARPENTER JEANS that were Khaki. And all I could think about was how that guy was wearing PANTS in class. This is not the focus of my yoga practice. Or rather, it shouldn't be. There are several things in the hot room that can be incredibly distracting during practice. Lights, people, fans (or lack there of) peoples hair, peoples sweat, people not paying attention, peoples breathing, etc. The list goes on. I get particularly annoyed when I am having an especially hard class, so my new focus is to "un-focus" on what others are doing, even if I am being distracted by them because they have been practicing for a long time and are very good at the postures, I need to not be concerned about what my neighbor is up to. Both in and out of the Hot Room. Today at work I am going to try to "un-focus".
Namaste

DD's make it hard for Rabbits.

This is, in fact, true. All the compression posture seem to almost be impossible for anyone bigger than a B cup. I wonder if people will judge me if I just duck tape them down next class....hmmmm...
Yesterday was my first class back in a week, I was worried that it would be hard. And, surprisingly, it didn't feel overwhelming, it was just the right balance of challenging, and satisfying. I went for coffee with my dad afterwards, who was in the same class with me, and I mentioned that I didn't think that it was that hot, he immediately shot me a look and said "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???" Proving, that everyone feels differently at different times, one persons "too hot" may not be yours.
This mornings class I had a bit of a personal breakthrough.
I found out that the postures that scare me, I can actually do. I can do the third part of Awkward, I am just LAZY. I have this weird mentality most of the time that if I put out too much effort in the beginning posture then the rest of my practice will suffer. I am starting to think that its just the opposite.
Today I got all the way down in fixed-firm pose for only the SECOND time EVER!! Even when I first started going two years ago and was practicing regularly. I was soo happy. I still am. Its the little things. And while there was still mild discomfort, it was nothing like I had imagined it was going to be. I love my life. I love that I get to do this practice on a regular basis. I may try for the 630 class tonight, since I won't be able to come back until Friday. I'll keep you posted.
Namaste